How to REALLY Help Foster Families

We all know foster, kinship and adoptive families NEED help and support and we often WANT to come alongside them, but we don’t always know HOW to do it!
​
I asked Rhonda Denison, a long-time foster and adoptive mom, about her family’s experience with their support team.  Jesse and Rhonda have been married for 22 years and currently have four adopted children.

Tell me about your support team.
One of the things Project 127 does best in its training is having families bring their support team to a support team training. About 10 of our friends came to that training and learned how to walk alongside our family as we welcomed kids into our home. Our family currently has a team through the organization RISE on top of our already existing friends and family. This team has served us through meals, coffee, home organization, and friendship. 
 
What are the most impactful things a support team can do, in your opinion?
I think the most impactful thing a support team can do is listen and tailor how they serve according to the family's needs. For one family (us!), it may be gift cards or meals- for another, it may be coming over and folding laundry. The most impactful way to serve starts with listening.
 
Were there any times you didn't feel supported?
I think after we adopted, it wasn't clear to our community that we still needed support- like we rode off into the adoption sunset and lived 'happily ever after.' While we do love our kids so much, things actually amped up behaviorally after adoption, but we were left without a lot of the support we had prior to adoption.
 
Were there any times were they went above and beyond?
In 2024, we realized we needed to create a robust team around us, so we engaged professionals, resources, and our church community to share with them what we needed. We have been so supported through our church, friends, and RISE team ever since. One day, one of our kids injured herself, and I reached out to our support team leader to share what was happening. They rallied the team immediately, showed up at our house with dinner and a cheesecake within hours!
 
Another time, a team of people came to our house for an entire Saturday just to serve our family- they painted a bedroom, hauled yard junk, added slats to our fence, cleaned our oven, and so much more! This was impactful because I desperately wanted to get these things done, but I know they just never would have gotten done- what a burden lifted!
 
Have you experienced any hurtful or unhelpful actions from someone who was trying to "help" you?
Occasionally, unsolicited advice can be hurtful. Our kids have big behaviors, and sometimes, well-meaning friends have 'helpful advice' that maybe isn't so helpful. I would rather have empathy than advice.
 
What advice would you give to support team members?
Lead with empathy in every way you serve. Ask questions instead of making assumptions. Instead of asking 'how can I help?', try giving options and saying something like 'I want to help. Would you like me to deliver a meal this week or can I take you to coffee?' Sometimes, foster parents feel overwhelmed, and the mental load of trying to come up with options is just too much.
Even though Rhonda would say that her kid's behaviors haven’t changed much over the years and are often still extremely difficult, their family’s support has dramatically increased. She is extremely grateful that even with unchanged behaviors, their capacity has greatly increased.