Marriage and Foster Care

Strengthening Your Marriage While Navigating Foster Parenting
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Parenting is challenging, there's no denying that. But when you add the unique demands of fostering children—especially those struggling with trauma—it can stretch the bonds of even the strongest marriages. As foster parents for the last 8 years, my husband Ryan and I have experienced firsthand how stress can test a relationship. From navigating trauma-informed care to managing the complexities of our kids' emotional needs, there were many challenges to our marriage along the way.
Yet, after all the struggles, I can say with confidence that our marriage is stronger now than ever. It’s deeper, more forgiving, and filled with more love than we could have imagined. I’ll be honest: it’s been a journey of growth, and we’ve had our share of tough lessons along the way. But through it all, we’ve learned some valuable strategies that have helped us not just survive as foster parents, but thrive as a couple. Here are some of the key principles that have helped us:

1. Open, Honest Communication
This one sounds simple, but in the middle of the chaos—when emotions are running high, kids are acting out, or you’re just trying to keep your head above water—communication can easily break down. For us, we had to make a conscious effort to talk openly about everything, even the hard stuff. Whether it’s about a behavior we’re struggling to manage or just the exhaustion we’re feeling, being honest with each other has been a cornerstone of our relationship.
We also had to learn how to listen—not just to respond, but to truly hear each other. When Ryan is stressed about a situation or I’m feeling overwhelmed, it's not enough to just hear the words; we’ve had to cultivate the practice of validating each other's feelings. This has helped us avoid misunderstandings and resentment, two things that can easily creep in when you’re both spread thin.

2. Assume the Best of Each Other
It’s easy to assume the worst when tensions are high. When you're exhausted it can be easy to misinterpret your spouse's actions or words. In foster parenting the stakes feel high, and both of you are likely to experience moments of extreme stress. But we’ve learned the importance of assuming the best of each other and that we are on the same team fighting the problem together. I might be short with Ryan or distant, but I tried to communicate that it wasn't about him; it was about the stress I was under or the emotions I was working through. This mindset has allowed us to approach each other with grace instead of frustration, and it’s kept us from letting small disagreements snowball into bigger issues.

3. Build a Strong Support Network
No one can do this alone. This is true for foster parents and for any couple facing significant challenges. We’ve been fortunate to build a network of people who understand the unique struggles we face. These are the people who offer a listening ear, share advice, or even take our kids for a few hours so we can recharge and reconnect to one another.
For us, having a trusted group of friends, family and fellow foster parents who understand our journey has been invaluable. It’s a reminder that we’re not in this alone, and when we’re feeling isolated, it’s important to lean on those who “get it.”

4. Be Willing to Sacrifice
Foster parenting requires a lot of sacrifice—time, energy, and sometimes even personal desires. In our marriage, we’ve had to be willing to give of ourselves in ways we hadn’t anticipated. That might mean Ryan staying up late with a child who is struggling emotionally, or me taking a step back from a personal project to help support his needs. We’ve learned that sacrifice isn’t just about giving something up, but about investing in each other and the bigger picture of our family. It’s the little things—like one of us covering for the other when we need a break—that have kept us moving forward together.

5. Know When to Say No
This is a lesson we learned the hard way. Early on, we had a tendency to say yes to every placement that came our way, especially when we thought we could help a child in need. But what we quickly learned was that adding kids too close in age to our youngest was a recipe for disaster. The dynamics just didn’t work, and it added stress to our already fragile family system.
It’s a delicate balance—wanting to help, but also knowing when to draw a line for the sake of your own family’s health. We realized that we could still make a difference while also saying no to things in order to support the well-being of our kids or our marriage, and ultimately continue fostering for the long term and avoid burnout.

6. Forgiveness is Key
This one can’t be overstated. There will be times in your marriage—and in your parenting journey—where you mess up, where you feel like you’ve failed each other or the kids. But Ryan and I have learned that forgiveness is one of the most powerful tools we have. We’ve had to forgive each other for mistakes made in the heat of the moment, for things said out of frustration, and for the times we’ve dropped the ball. Forgiveness allows us to move forward, to learn from our mistakes, and to keep growing together.

It's Worth It
The road of foster parenting is undeniably challenging, but it has also been one of the most rewarding journeys of our lives. Along the way, we’ve learned that it’s not about being perfect, but about being present and committed to each other. Our marriage isn’t flawless, but it’s strong. It’s built on love, trust, and a deep sense of purpose.

For any couple considering foster parenting, or for those already in the trenches, know that you’re not alone. It’s okay to struggle, to stumble, and to ask for help. With open communication, understanding, and a willingness to sacrifice, you can weather the storm together—and come out stronger on the other side.

By Jackie Hall, Neighbor Program Manager

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