Fostering Teens: Plans Can Change, But My Love for Them Doesn’t

Plans can change but my love for them doesn’t, and the kids and bio mom know that.
- Jeannie Lewis, Foster Mom for Teens

After the residential facility that Jeannie Lewis directed closed, she and her husband, Russel, recently retired from law enforcement,  knew they had to do something. There weren’t many local options for youth, especially teens with hard behaviors, so Jeannie and Russel decided they’d learn more about foster care. With the love and support of their four adult children, three  years later, the Lewis family has fostered 7 children, one of whom they’ve adopted and a second with adoption in the near future.

In our recent Q&A with foster parent Jeannie Lewis, she shares some of the trials and triumphs experienced while fostering teens and gives us a glimpse into the hope and heartache of reunification.
 
Q: What led you to foster care?
A: I was the director of a residential youth facility and many of the youth there had hard behaviors that made it challenging to step them down into foster families.  The center closed, and I knew there wasn’t any place for these kids to go. My husband and I attended a Project 1.27 Info Night and we’ve been foster parents for three years.
 
Q: What are some of the challenges you’ve experienced as a foster parent?
A: Self care is key. Especially the first year. Plan respite. Plan breaks. Parenting is hard. Parenting teens is hard. You have to be careful you don’t get sucked into secondary trauma.  Sometimes teens come into a foster home  having experienced fourteen or fifteen years of trauma; that’s exponential. I have to check my own anxiety level to make sure I’m the level-headed one in the room. I’m the one who can self-regulate.

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Q: Tell us more about fostering teens.
A: Teenagers are our thing. We expect there to be some behaviors because they are teens, and they’ve experienced a lot of trauma. We also know that there’s a different sort of eb and flow to those behaviors compared to teens that haven’t experienced high levels of trauma. Teen who have experienced trauma have responses that are  quicker and more dramatic. You will literally be having the best day ever and get up for a glass of water and come back to a different kid. We  work on identifying triggers and coping skills.
 
Q: What has it been like fostering during the pandemic?
A: We live in a rural area, with no take out or McDonalds, so the only time we left home was for groceries. That meant a lot of time together. We started a nightly routine of having the kids sit at the end of our bed telling stories. They’d tell their stories, we ’d tell some of ours. We developed a collective memory and got to a place of “remember when” where the stories were ours together. Through sharing  stories, and being together 24/7, we picked up on triggers and behaviors, things that might take a year to uncover.
 
Q: Tell us more about reunification and working with bio parents.
A: At first, for me, working with the teens' parents can be weird. Sometimes parents think I want to steal their kid. The parents have their own issues to work on, issues which led to their kids being placed in care, sometimes more than once.  I’ve had to let moms know that I’m here for her kid which means I’m here for her, saying things like, “I’m telling you this so when you get your kids back you can keep them safe and this doesn’t happen again.” After the initial awkward phase, the relationship with a kid’s parents can be great.
 
Before reunification, that teen’s parents and I talked about four times a week and after reunification we checked in 3-4 times a day. For instance, when the kids didn’t want to go to school,  I coached mom on how to talk with the kids. All the credit goes to bio parents who internalized what they were learning until it clicked. 
 
Q: What was reunification like for kids and for you?
A: The teens' parents can be ready before the teens.  We worked together to identify  triggers and helpful coping skills, and then helped the kids and their parents make a game plan to get through challenging behaviors.

Reunification was hard. We were devastated when the kids left. I cried so many tears. In every case we want what’s best for the kids. That means our hearts are always prepared for adoption, because every kid deserves a home and family.  Sometimes it’s back with their biological parents, and sometimes it’s not. The important thing is for teens to gain some positive  life skills, to know they have a safe place and that  they can call if they ever need us. Plans can change but our love for them doesn’t.
 
Q: What would you say to someone considering foster care for the first time?
A: Absolutely do it! It’s the most rewarding! It’s the most fun! It’s not anything like we thought it would be, it’s 10 times better. 
 
Q: Is there anything else you want people to know?
A: Community is really important on this journey. Connecting with other foster parents on Facebook support groups has been huge. So anytime someone wants to call and ask me questions, or talk through whatever they’re going through, they can contact me through Project 1.27.