New Year, New Way to Think About Resolutions.

January means New Year’s Resolutions, and many of us consider changes we want to make for the year and the goals we want to set. Often these include health (I will give up carbs and walk every day), personal growth (I will read 85 books and learn to speak German), finances (I will stop buying Starbucks...and Black Rock...and Dutch Bros), and spiritual goals (I will read through the whole Bible this year). As parents, we often include goals that pertain to our children (I will not yell, have patience, and stick to a routine). And as February approaches, we’ve often already failed at most (if not all) of our goals for the new year.

For foster and adoptive parents, New Year’s resolutions regarding family and relationships can be incredibly stressful and disappointing. Often, our hope for our children and parenting doesn’t shake out as planned, and we lose hope.

Here are some things to consider when making your New Year’s Resolutions:

1. Be Flexible.
Resolutions don’t have to be forever. Make a goal but know that you may need to reevaluate after a day, week, or month. If something isn’t working, change it. Trying to power through will only lead to stress for you and your child.
Instead of, “We will go to bed every night by 8:00 pm and have everything ready for the morning.”
Try, “We will go to bed close to 8:00 pm, aiming to have things ready for the morning.”

2. Avoid Absolutes
Aim for words like “less” and “more” instead of “never,” “always,” and “only.”
Instead of, “We will only have video games for one hour on Saturdays.”
Try “We will have less screen time during the week.”

3. Focus on “Yes” goals instead of “No” goals
Restricting things is often frustrating and challenging to sustain. Try to rephrase your goals in a positive, encouraging way.
Instead of, “I will not yell when I'm angry.”
Try, “I will take a deep breath or find a moment alone when I'm feeling upset.”

4. Give yourself (and your family) grace.
Having too high of expectations is hard on everyone. Some days are just plain hard, and it’s better for everyone involved to recognize that all routines/goals/rules might need to take a “day off.”
Instead of, “I will play with my kids for 30 minutes every day.”
Try, “I will play more.”

We all want to be better parents, but it’s essential not to fall into the trap of trying to be perfect. When we follow these guidelines, we’re still working toward positive change without feeling we failed. And when the goal isn’t strict or absolute, we’re more likely to keep working toward it even when we have a rough day, make a mistake, or fall short.