People say the "darndest" things

If you're like me, you've had people ask about your foster/adoptive child. Why are they living with you? What happened to their parents? Are their parents drug addicts? Once, an older woman in the church asked me why anyone would want to raise someone else's child.  One of the most outrageous interactions was with someone who was determined to identify my son's father based on his skin color and features.  ​

Unfortunately, there are people who are naturally nosey, frequently cross boundaries, and have their own opinions, which they're quick to share.  People know boundaries regarding personal information such as income, family dynamics, and possibly even race. Still, they feel it's okay to ask personal questions about foster care or adoption.  

As we know, children in foster care have experienced multiple levels of trauma before even entering foster care.  There may be information they aren't aware of or are too young to know.  Family circumstances of a child entering foster care are held with great regard; holding that personal information close to your heart is essential.  When people ask insensitive questions about foster care or adoption, parents can experience a range of emotions, from feeling sad, angry, or completely caught off guard.  As you're feeling those emotions, think about the child who has come to live with you and is likely feeling the same way.  They may believe that they are in care for something they have done, and they may feel confused or embarrassed. They're already struggling with grief and loss and understandably have questions of their own, and then for strangers to start asking questions can be overwhelming.   Often, you or your children are caught off guard by the questions and astonished at how others feel entitled to information about your life or your child's. 

Just know it's okay to set your boundaries as a family.  Here is an option that may help in your boundary settings.  

W.I.S.E  
The response listed below gives children and adults four possible options for responding and provides families the power to control the situation - 

W=WALK AWAY or ignore what is being said.**

 I = IT'S PRIVATE I do not have to share information with anyone, and I can say that, even to adults (respectfully.)

S=SHARE SOMETHING about my foster care or adoption story, but I can think carefully about what I want to let others know.


E=EDUCATE OTHERS about foster care or adoption in general. Know a lot about it.

** (If a child is being bullied, it is recommended that they Walk away with an 'attitude' by saying, "Whatever."; "Who cares." This is said to discourage further victimization.)

Empowering Children and Parents to Cope with questions/comments about Foster Care and Adoption - Ellen Singer - LCSW

By Marilyn Robinson, Family Care Director