Talking to Your Teen

If only there was a magic pill we could give our kids to get them to open up about what they are feeling. But anyone who has parented a teenager knows that no matter how much we try on our end, their free will (some might say stubbornness) still plays a part in whether they share what’s going on in their lives. Here are a few strategies I’ve gathered from other parents of teens that I’ve found helpful in getting teens in my home to open up (even just a little).

Ask open-ended questions (and yes, even their opinions.)
Yes/no questions can start to feel like an interview or, worse, an interrogation. That’s not the vibe we’re going for. Open-ended questions offer space for a young person to take the conversation where they’d like it to go. We need to be okay with them leading sometimes. Bonus if the questions ask for their ideas, opinions, or take on something so you can validate how they see the world is important. Holding a posture of curiosity is always helpful when framing your questions and the tone with which you ask them. 

Listen with your whole body.
If a young person opens up about what they are thinking, or let’s be honest, anything really, it is our cue to listen. If you’re not sure what that looks like, listen for where they fit into the story, the why behind their thinking, and the feelings behind their words. Listening doesn’t mean agreement; it means respect. Giving your full attention, with all of your senses and your body posture, helps to give the message that what they have to say is important. We want our young people to know their voices matter. 

Side-by-side conversations.
Having someone look you in the eye can be more intense, and, therefore, intimidating, than a casual side-by-side conversation that is happening in conjunction with another primary activity. That’s why driving in the car (or even texting) can often feel like a time when kids are more willing to open up. They don’t feel so on the spot and can perhaps relax just enough to give you a little more of what they’re thinking and feeling. It’s a great way to bring up more sensitive topics that you know may already be intensity-packed by the nature of their content. 

Offer another focus.
Since you can’t just drive around the block for hours on end, offering an activity with that side-by-side principle is helpful. This can be chores or something they naturally like to do. Doing dishes, folding laundry, or pulling weeds are all activities you can “help” your teen with that could also offer a focus while you talk. Since we’re both standing here anyway, we might as well talk about this; even better if it’s an activity they already like and actually want to do. Shooting hoops, throwing the frisbee, baking, and coloring can move bodies or stimulate creativity. Everyone relaxes a bit when their hands are busy.

Love what they love.
Is it the Broncos? Read the sports writers in the Denver Post. Video games? Have them teach you how to play. Whether it’s Harry Styles or the latest fashion styles that they are thinking about, show some interest. And then be ready to pivot to the next thing when they’ve moved on. As kids grow, their interests change, and we want to show we care about who they are today. Maybe you can’t truly love football, but you can at least learn about it for the sake of connection.
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Be ready when they’re ready.
When teenagers are ready to open up, it's time to listen. The family meeting on a Tuesday night may be on your schedule as the designated hour to talk through some things, but we all know teens’ schedules don’t always operate on ours. So that 11:00 p.m. come in your room moment, may be just what you’ve been waiting for. Pay attention, recognize it for the opportunity it is, and give your young person your full attention. They do need you; they just might show it at unexpected moments. You don’t want to let those moments slip by.

By Alexendra Kuykendall, Director of National Network and New Development