The Worst Question to Ask Someone in Crisis

When our friend or family member is hurting, it’s natural to want to help. And as a foster family support team member, it’s our job to help! After all, we signed up for this AND went through training.

So why is our question, “What do you need?” Often met with, “Nothing, we’re okay.” Or our offers of “How can I help?” met with, “I can’t think of anything right now.”

Whenever we welcomed new children into our home, people asked how they could help. I loved and appreciated it, but usually, my brain and body were exhausted, and I couldn’t come up with any ideas for ways people could help! Plus, I often didn’t even have a second to breathe, let alone time to answer a phone call or text.

Sometimes, the best thing we can do is skip asking and get to doing!

1. Bring food for the freezer.
One day, after we’d brought home a high-energy three-year-old, my friend, Megan, texted me. “I just stopped by your house and left a gallon of frozen soup in your freezer. When we were saying goodbye to a sibling set of four who lived with us for two years, my friend, Lisa, texted me, “I just left some food on your porch! Praying for you all today!” I was so thankful that my friends just brought the food. They didn’t ask and I didn’t have to think about what we liked to eat or didn’t like to eat or what I was going to feed everyone that day. Meal trains and food schedules are great (and needed in the beginning) but sometimes just having an extra meal on the porch or backup food in the freezer helps give tired parents the energy needed to make it to bedtime.

2. Grab items from the store.
With naps, caseworker visits, school drop-offs, therapies and all the other things a foster family crams into their day, finding time to run errands isn’t even possible. Sometimes I would get all the children in the car with the intention of checking a few things off my list, only to have a child meltdown, have a diaper blowout, or hurt the other children in the car. When we first welcomed a sibling set of three high-needs children right before Christmas, my neighbor would text a few times a week, “I’m heading to the store, do you need milk? What else do you need?”  Because she was my neighbor and she was already going to the store, I didn’t feel like I was bothering her to ask for a few groceries.

3.  Offer to help with the other children.
After we would bring new children into our homes, friends would ask if we needed any help with childcare. I usually said no because I needed to be home with the new children working on building trust and routine, plus I didn’t want to overwhelm the new kiddos with too many new people and faces in our home.  We had other children who were older and still needed rides to their activities every weeknight, and often throwing all the kids in the car and driving to soccer was overwhelming. One time, I had a friend ask, “Can I drive Lily to soccer tomorrow? I’ll be heading that direction anyway and I’m happy to take her.” I was so thankful to be able to stay home for the night with the other children and get everyone bathed and to bed at an earlier hour.

4.  Check-in after everyone else has forgotten.
In the early days, everyone wants to help! But after the weeks turn into months, the offers wane and new foster parents are left feeling forgotten. I remember receiving a text from a friend every week well into the first year with new kiddos. She had a reminder set on her phone to check-in every week and she would send prayers and Bible verses. Sometimes I would respond with specific prayer requests, and sometimes I’d completely forget to even let her know I read the text. Either way, she never stopped checking in and never stopped sending a weekly prayer. Another time, I remember a friend mailing a card full of gift cards for a few of our family’s favorite restaurants. The new kids had lived with us for almost six months at that point, and she knew we were finally getting settled into our new routine and braving leaving the house more. The card said, “Here are some gift cards to your favorite spots to make memories with the new kids in your home.” The gift was sweet but knowing we hadn’t been forgotten was even sweeter.

By Jenny Watson, Director of Communication and Events