Tips for When You Don't Know What to Say

Sometimes our language can be damaging without us even realizing it. When we are talking to someone who has an experience different than our own, it is important to be mindful of the things we say and the questions we ask. When we engage children from hard places we need to be sensitive to the words and topics that may be painful or uncomfortable for them.

As psychologist and adult adoptee, Dr. Chaitra Wirta-Leiker explains, “Think about it.. An experience very personal to you suddenly becomes common knowledge, and everyone believes it’s ok to ask you questions about it or tell you how you should feel or think about it over and over and over again.” How would you feel?
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What to Avoid

• Although you have many questions about what circumstances the child experienced, asking may make him or her feel uncomfortable, ashamed or embarrassed.
• Bringing attention to the child being in foster care or adopted may be a topic the child does not want to discuss, particularly in groups of people.
• The term “orphan” can be hurtful for children because many of them have relationships with their biological parents. Although as Christian we understand “orphan” as describing children in need of protective parents, the definition to many others is literally “being without parents”. For many children who continue to value their parents, this term may minimize their feelings for and relationship with their biological parents.
• Using the terms “real mom” or “real dad” can be confusing as children attempt to figure out roles of parental figures in their lives. Asking, “what happened to your ‘real mom’?”, will likely bring pain and confusion.

What to Say

• Follow the lead of the child or youth. When you develop a healthy and safe relationship children will feel more inclined to initiate these conversations with you.
• Empathetic responses are statements that do not suppose that you know best. We empathize by saying, “that must be really hard” or “you are so brave for overcoming what you’ve been through” when a child confides in you.
• Have conversations with the child’s foster or adoptive parents to learn specifically what may be triggering language or questions for the child. They may have a good idea of topics that will engage the child instead of making the child feel shut down or overwhelmed.
• Talk with children like you would with any other children!  Kindly and gently invite them to play or have a conversation about fun things they may like according to their developmental age.
• EMPOWRD: Ways to Respond to Adoption Questions by Dr. Chaitra Wirta-Leiker is a workbook for children who are in foster care or adopted to help them navigate how to respond to questions about adoption or their experiences. This workbook could be a helpful resource to share with the family you support after you’ve read through it to understand the child’s perspective more thoroughly.

What's something you've found helpful for relating to children from hard places?

By Megan Magel