What If You're Called to Foster the Whole Family?

In 2020, my husband and I fell into foster care as a kinship placement. Together with our three biological children, we fell in love with four-month-old "Little Miss" and loved on her for over a year. As a first-time foster family, we got a crash course on the system, on being trauma-informed, and on navigating virtual visits with an infant during Covid. And I'll be honest, I was judgey. I remember thinking, "Why can't her parents just get it together?". I recall the frustration and anger I felt when they would not show for a visit or use the little time they had to criticize me or argue with the caseworker. I subscribed to the narrative that this young mama was unfit to be a mother and looked for evidence to back up my claim. 

Our community was incredible as we upended our lives for Little Miss. We had meal drop-offs, childcare offers, and help to transport our older kids. We had the emotional support of friends who let us vent and offered up words of affirmation. "Clearly, everyone will see we are the most beneficial place for Little Miss," I thought. "Look at how we juggle all the things," "Look at how safe she is, "and "She's thriving." I am ashamed to admit some of these thoughts now. How was I freely giving my love, time, and prayers to Little Miss, but I couldn't extend that to her parents? Is the whole family not deserving of the love, care, and compassion that Jesus so freely shares with us? 

Little Miss eventually went home to her mama (after mama jumped through hoop after hoop to show she was fit). Reunification was painful. Little Miss had barely seen her mama without a mask on her face or through a video screen. She went from being fully bonded with us into a new environment where she once again needed to learn to safely attach. Her mama worked hard, too. We wanted to celebrate reunification, but saying goodbye was very difficult.

Years later, I ask myself, "What if this all could have been avoided?" While our village showed up in tangible ways, making it possible for us to maintain a healthy family, what could have changed if Little Miss and her mama had that village? What if we had a healthy support system for every struggling family affected by child welfare? What if God wants to use relationships to heal the child welfare system? 

We have fostered multiple children since Little Miss and have come to a deeper understanding of how trauma impacts the whole family. We believe the only tool effective in long-lasting change is relationships. I honestly didn't empathize or understand the effects of generational trauma, how poverty looks and shapes families, or how it can be confused with neglect. I didn't see how a system set up to keep our kids safe could also do harm and create divides in our relationships and our community. The families of children in foster care are often carrying the burden of mental health struggles, poverty, addiction, and loneliness, to name a few. Many are struggling with a lack of resources to meet their essential needs, like housing, medical care, and childcare. Most have no built-in positive support, and there is no village around them of family and friends to help them navigate this.  

I now work in family preservation as the FamiliesCare manager in my community. I help families stay safely together by connecting them to a well-trained church group. We prioritize relationships, are trauma-aware, honor a family's strengths and dignity, and draw upon the unconditional love of God for all family members. We know trauma is healed through relationships. 

What if we can impact whole families just by showing up and being a safe space? I pray God will continue to use relationships to affect change with family preservation and to use the church to step into the gap for whole families. While this ministry is new, it promises to change entire communities. I pray for all the "Littles" and their families in the child welfare system. 

If your church wants to know more about stepping into the gap, loving on a struggling family, and keeping kids safe, I'd love to connect with you. 

By Emily Kempton, FamiliesCare Manager Mesa County
[email protected]