When Marriage and Foster Care Collide

"Foster care and adoption provided obstacles and challenges to our marriage," Rachel Graham, a Project 1.27 parent, shared during this interview, "But I can honestly say we are happily married."

Rachel and Arick Graham knew early in their marriage that foster care and adoption would be a part of their journey as a couple. When they first became foster parents in 2016, they were a young family with three biological children ranging in age from 3-6 years old. They were also business owners, and Arick served as their church's worship leader and missions pastor. Shortly after becoming certified, they welcomed a sibling set of two into their home, eventually adopting both children in 2019. Arick remembers, "Foster care added strain to an already busy life, and it took time to figure out how to get in a rhythm. We learned quickly that we couldn't do it alone. We needed help."

Looking back, the Grahams have a few regrets from the early days of fostering. "I wish we did better," Rachel shared. "I wish we hadn't waited so long to get soul care. When we started counseling, it impacted our marriage so much that I wish we had done it earlier." 

Arick recalls, "Early on, I shoved down emotions, which wasn't good for our family. I had to learn to engage emotions like disappointment, anger, and sorrow and work through my family history."
Today, Arick and Rachel Graham are the parents of 5 children aged 7-14. They will celebrate their 18th anniversary this summer. Looking back, the couple knows they only survived the hard seasons with God's help. "God has been gracious to us and our marriage. It's hard, not easy, and we have things we've done well, but we did them well by the grace of God. Things we didn't do well, we made it through by the grace of God. We are where we are today because we've drawn from His deep well of grace."

Arick and Rachel shared with Project 1.27 some tangible things that have made a difference in their marriage through the last 18 years.

Make your marriage a priority.

"We found it was important to press into God and each other," Rachel shared. The Grahams knew that their marriage mattered to God, and they made it a priority. They've realized that it's harder to prioritize their marriage when they're busy, so they focus on finding space on the calendar to slow down and spend time together. "Our counselor told us to write down what it looks like to make our marriage a priority. To write down practical steps we could take and then add the plan to the calendar."

Find Rhythm in each Season.

Family life is ever-evolving, and every season is different. Before they became foster parents, the Graham family had a sweet season where they could focus on their biological kids. During the first two years of foster care, they felt like so much was out of their control and struggled to keep their heads above water. Now the Graham family is in a season where all five kids are in sports, and they've realized they've overcommitted themselves. Everyone is going in different directions to different activities. They've decided to take a break from sports for the summer to practice a slower pace as a family. They hope to camp and take vacations and focus on resting. Arick notes, "Every season is different, and you must take time and identify the season's rhythm and how you can still keep your priorities." Rachel adds, "Sometimes it's just recognizing that you're in a hard or busy season, but it won't last forever."

Find time for Date Nights.

"You can't underestimate a good date night!" Rachel shared. The Grahams recalled times early in their fostering journey when they were in the trenches, wondering how they would fit a date night in."We had to be okay with short date nights and staying close to home," Rachel recalls. If their younger two had a visit with their biological family, Arick and Rachel would get a sitter for the other three kids and spend an hour together at a coffee shop. They also had to learn to trust their community. "I would think that no one in their right mind would want to be here with our five kids," Rachel shared, "But I had to learn that they wanted to help and that they loved us enough to watch our kids." Rachel remembers when some of her children had challenging behaviors, and she didn't think there was any way she could leave but knew she had to try. Thankfully, God brought them babysitters who could handle the behaviors for a short amount of time. "It's easy to isolate yourself and think it's impossible to get away without kids," Arick said, "But ask God to make a way. Ask him to bring babysitters and to bring community."

Laugh together.

 "You have to laugh through it all," Rachel shares, "You can just cry, or you can laugh and cry, and we chose to laugh and cry." The Grahams have relied on humor to get them through some of their most challenging seasons. They remember days when they were trying to figure out the foster care system, balancing visits with biological parents, and seeing behaviors they'd never encountered. "Without humor, without laughing, it would have been rough," Rachel adds. "We knew we had bit off more than we could chew, so we had to take the pressure off and the seriousness off."

Spend 20 minutes together on the couch.

Rachel remembers learning about "20 on the Couch" at a marriage conference they attended, and the Grahams have implemented it ever since. "After the kids go to bed, we set aside 20 minutes for the two of us to sit together and talk. We're not problem-solving, we're not planning anything, we are just talking and being together."

Pray together daily.

The Grahams take time daily to pray together and pray for each other. Rachel notes, "It's hard to stay mad at someone you're blessing."

Written by Jenny Watson
​Project 1.27 Communication and Events Manager