January means New Year’s Resolutions, and many of us consider changes we want to make for the year and the goals we want to set. Often these include health (I will give up carbs and walk every day), personal growth (I will read 85 books and learn to speak German), finances (I will stop buying Starbucks...and Black Rock...and Dutch Bros), and spiritual goals (I will read through the whole Bible this year). As parents, we often include goals that pertain to our children (I will not yell, have patience, and stick to a routine). And as February approaches, we’ve often already failed at most (if not all) of our goals for the new year.

For foster and adoptive parents, New Year’s resolutions regarding family and relationships can be incredibly stressful and disappointing. Often, our hope for our children and parenting doesn’t shake out as planned, and we lose hope.

Here are some things to consider when making your New Year’s Resolutions:

1. Be Flexible.
Resolutions don’t have to be forever. Make a goal but know that you may need to reevaluate after a day, week, or month. If something isn’t working, change it. Trying to power through will only lead to stress for you and your child.
Instead of, “We will go to bed every night by 8:00 pm and have everything ready for the morning.”
Try, “We will go to bed close to 8:00 pm, aiming to have things ready for the morning.”

2. Avoid Absolutes
Aim for words like “less” and “more” instead of “never,” “always,” and “only.”
Instead of, “We will only have video games for one hour on Saturdays.”
Try “We will have less screen time during the week.”

3. Focus on “Yes” goals instead of “No” goals
Restricting things is often frustrating and challenging to sustain. Try to rephrase your goals in a positive, encouraging way.
Instead of, “I will not yell when I'm angry.”
Try, “I will take a deep breath or find a moment alone when I'm feeling upset.”

4. Give yourself (and your family) grace.
Having too high of expectations is hard on everyone. Some days are just plain hard, and it’s better for everyone involved to recognize that all routines/goals/rules might need to take a “day off.”
Instead of, “I will play with my kids for 30 minutes every day.”
Try, “I will play more.”

We all want to be better parents, but it’s essential not to fall into the trap of trying to be perfect. When we follow these guidelines, we’re still working toward positive change without feeling we failed. And when the goal isn’t strict or absolute, we’re more likely to keep working toward it even when we have a rough day, make a mistake, or fall short. 

When welcoming a new child into their home, foster and adoptive families need support to focus on caring for the new child and building a relationship with them. The first month a family has a new placement is the ideal time for the church to step in and help the family. 

As you start the new year, here are three ways your church can support foster & adoptive families in your community.

1. Prepare Frozen Meals For Families
Preparing dinner can be one thing that families dread the most. Parents have spent all day at work or running kids around, and not having to worry about dinner is a huge blessing! Gather your congregation and make some frozen meals for families to have on hand on the more challenging days when they don't have time or energy to make dinner. 

2. Bring Snacks or Meals to Support Groups
Many families find comfort in local support groups. They enjoy gathering with other families, and having a meal can be a great blessing. Have your congregation provide snacks for kids or dinner for the families at a support group. Use it as an opportunity to interact with the families and children you're supporting.

3. Host A Parents' Night Out
Foster and Adoptive parents often hold unique challenges as they provide loving and consistent care for kids who've experienced severe trauma. Providing a night out where parents can catch their breath and find some grounding helps sustain parents as they relentlessly pour into their children's lives. The best part is the kids are having so much fun they don't realize the evening is also for their parents!​

Want more ideas? 
https://www.project127.org/uploads/1/1/6/9/116938503/p127_supporting_foster_adoptive_families_0620.pdf

As you support foster and adoptive families around you, you might begin to pick up on parenting differences. Maybe they are handling challenging situations in unfamiliar ways. You may hear more talk about connection than correction and something called TBRI. TBRI stands for Trust Based Relational Intervention. It is an attachment-based, trauma-informed parenting style designed to meet the special needs of children, especially those who may have been through hard times. Children who have experienced hard circumstances, like being separated from their families and removed from their homes for whatever reason, must be parented differently.

When children experience situations that are just too hard for their brains to make sense of, their brain chemistry changes, and brain scans will even show the changes in their brains due to trauma. Children who experience these hard things often live in what some therapists call survival mode, meaning their thinking brain cannot make sense of the situation, so their protection brain has kicked in. Their primal instincts have taken over and emit a danger signal in their brain. “Your life is in danger. You must do whatever is necessary to stay alive!” When we realize this is happening within a child, we must change how we see and interact with the child. The child needs to be seen with our greatest empathy. Their behaviors are indications of an underlying need or fear. Connecting is the best way to calm their protective brain and repair the rupture. 

God has designed us all with a deep need for connection. We all need a connection to God and a connection to others. If we do not have these, our brain desperately attempts to help us fill this hole. You might have felt this during the worst times of COVID quarantine. Even those of us who are introverts were seeking out ways to find connections, hence the huge surge in social media and zoom. If we experience this as adults, think how much more the lack of connection could affect children. Often children that come into foster care do not understand that this is what their brain craves. To build connections, the first thing a child needs is safety. Until they feel safe, they live with a brain in survival mode. When they feel safe, they can trust adults and build connections. All children need safety, emotional regulation, and connection. As things increase, you will see their brains calm, and their behaviors change. Connection is not always easy with a child living with their brain in protection mode. It takes time, consistency, and lots of patience. 

Tips to encourage connection:

Time and Space: Make time to be with the child. Every positive interaction with a trustworthy adult brings healing to their brain. Even if the child is not ready to participate in activities with you, make time to be in the child’s presence so they can start feeling safe and building trust in you. 

Listen and Share: Listen to them talk about whatever is on their mind and try to find common ground where you can share in the conversation. Maybe all they can talk about right now is their favorite video game, then google it and try to find a way to connect over the competition. Showing interest builds connection. 

Play and Praise: Playful interaction is the best way to build connection. Keeping things light-hearted opens the door to safety and helps establish trust. Anytime you interact with a child, be on the lookout for opportunities to build them up and praise them. If there is a rupture or a stressful time in the interaction, do your best to bring it back to play before the interaction ends.

The Christmas season is finally here! Christmas celebrations are an excellent opportunity for the church to connect with families of children with special needs. When planning your church's holiday activities, here are three things you can do to support foster and adoptive families and families with children with special needs. 

1. Create Activity Bags
Take the time to create an activity bag for families who attend your Christmas services. You can include noise-reducing headphones, fidget toys, coloring materials, and a schedule of what you're doing during that service. These things can help keep kids entertained during downtimes and relieve some of the parents' stress.

2. Include Special Needs Families in Your Traditions
It's important to ensure families of every shape and size are involved in your traditions. Invite a family with a special-needs child to be part of your welcoming team or on your usher team. When you invite families of children with special needs to be involved in your church's activities, those special needs families who visit during the holidays can envision how they could also have a place in your church family. 

3. Share What You're Doing
Families have started looking for places to worship during the holidays, but they could miss out on worshiping with you if you don't let them know about your church's accommodations. Post on social media, include it on flyers, and your church website so anyone can find what your church is doing to support all families this Christmas. 
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The Christmas season is always big for churches, but don't miss the opportunity to follow up with these families after the new year. Make a follow-up plan and your next steps for ministering to families of children with special needs. 

​November is National Adoption month, and for many foster, kinship, and adoptive families, it’s the kickoff to a season of holiday stress! If you’re new to foster parenting, or you’ve been on this journey for a while, now is an excellent time to slow things down and think about your plans for the holiday season. Project 1.27 has a quick “Handling Holiday Stress” tip sheet and HALT tool to help guide you through making this holiday season as enjoyable (with realistic expectations) as possible! 

HERE ARE SOME IDEAS TO HELP WITH UPCOMING HOLIDAY STRESS:

• Create a Family Line. Plan and have a set response for hard or uncomfortable questions. Our family calls these “the family line.” When asked, “Who is the extra kid?” we give a family line. When asked, “How long are the extra kids going to be with you?” we give a family line. Rather than fumbling through uncomfortable questions at the moment, ease the stress by having a plan in place. Try having a family meeting and coming up with responses everyone is comfortable with giving. They should be short and to the point. If your children get more questions after answering, have them practice responding, “You can ask my parents.”
• Honor an Exit Strategy. The holidays often involve extra gatherings; while these can be fun, they can be stressful. It can be helpful to plan an exit strategy. If children in your care get overwhelmed, let them know if they come to you and need a way out, you will honor that need. It might mean leaving earlier than planned, letting them sit with you for a little while, or taking them outside for fresh air.
• Stay Connected. Another way to help with holiday stress is staying connected with your family and support team. Set a regular check-in time with those in your home and your support network. Plan some slow, downtime activities amidst all the hustle and bustle. Try to think of calm, connective activities like cuddling on the couch for a movie night, reading a book together, or planning time for regular walks around the neighborhood.
• Fresh Air Reset. Plan regular opportunities to get fresh air. Open a window in the afternoon, sit outside, have a cup of coffee, or go for a hike. Research has shown that fresh air boosts brain activity and helps us self-regulate.

H.A.L.T. is a quick tool you can use when you notice you’re feeling stressed (this is also a great TOOL to use with the children & youth in your home).
AM I: HUNGRY? ANGRY? LONELY? TIRED?

This simple self-assessment can be a good starting point for identifying stress. Sometimes taking a simple first step can begin the process of working through more significant stressors looming. Everything is harder to process when hungry, angry, lonely, or tired. So, once this initial stress is identified, take steps to address it. Then, when you can move forward, set up a plan to head off future stressors.
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For this & other Project 1.27 Resources visit https://www.project127.org/family-resources.html

November is National Adoption month! There is lots to celebrate about children being in safe and loving families-what a gift! If you ask a foster or adoptive family, many will agree adoption is a gift. Most will also share that foster care and adoption mean processing lots of grief for everyone in the home, and that’s hard. Families need Jesus in the celebrations and the grief. That’s where the church comes in. Families need the church to wrap around them, primarily through the upcoming holiday season, to help them remember how holy the hard things are. The everyday stress and the holiday stress of caring for children and youth in their homes leave many foster and adoptive families in isolation. The church is the perfect vessel to offer arms of strength, comfort, and encouragement and wrap families up with love.

Four simple ways your church can wrap love around foster families this holiday season: 

MEALS

• Gift take-out cards
• Make a snack box
• Deliver groceries

HOUSEWORK

• Fold laundry
• Change bed linens 
• Tidy bathrooms

ENCOURAGE

• Send prayer texts 
• Mail funny cards 
• Call/text and offer words of encouragement

PARENT-CARE

• Be available
• Organize respite providers 
• Organize a Support Group with childcare

For a full list of ways, you can support foster and adoptive families, check out Project 1.27's Full Resource.

If you’ve identified a foster or adoptive family in your church or community in need of more ongoing support, use Project 1.27’s Wraparound Resource to help guide you through the wraparound team process.

Help us get the word out to make sure foster and adoptive families recognize you as a foster-friendly church! If your church has completed Project 1.27’s Trauma Informed Training and is listed on our website as a Project 1.27 Foster Friendly Church

Consider signing up on the new Foster Friendly App, thanks to our friend’s at America’s Kids Belong.

“I felt hopeless. My whole world was crashing down on me,” Amanda remembers the day DHS took her three children and placed them into foster care. “We were living in a trashed-out house, we were behind on rent, and I didn’t have a job or any money.” Amanda knew she needed to get away from her situation and get help, but she didn’t know how.

 In Colorado, many children are removed from parents who are struggling just like Amanda. Often these families find themselves in hard situations and have no support or resources, making an already difficult situations even more difficult. However, with help, many families can achieve stability. FamiliesCare is a new family preservation program that focuses on supporting struggling families before children are removed. Families are identified by county caseworkers and encouraged to contact Project 1.27, who connects the family with a Families Care Group from a local church. The group commits to work with the family for a one-year period, essentially becoming the needed support network to help the family keep their children safely at home. How the group serves the family will look different depending on the family’s needs and goals but could include bringing meals, and groceries, offering transportation to appointments or court, organizing fun activities for kids, and even helping identify employment opportunities. Fred Elliot-Hart, FamiliesCare Director, shares, “With this program, Project 1.27 is moving into family preservation, helping a struggling family before the kids are removed. We expect this program to decrease out-of-home placements for children.”  

“I felt so alone during that season of my life,” Amanda recalls after her kids went into foster care. At one point, she was pregnant and sleeping in a park. “I kind of just gave up, I didn’t think I could ever get my kids back.”

There were a few bright spots in her journey. Melissa, a county worker, helped Amanda find temporary housing and brought her some clothes for her new baby.   She became friends with Jenny, her children’s foster mom, who encouraged and supported her. “Jenny was the blessing that my kids needed, and I needed at that moment. Looking back, I’m so thankful that my kids ended up in her home. It was the best place for them to go at that time.”

Jenny paid for a hotel for Amanda over Christmas so she didn’t have to sleep outside in the snow. She drove her to appointments and court and helped her find community resources for food and housing.  When Amanda regained custody of her children, Jenny showed up with a crew of helpers to move her into a new 2-bedroom apartment, helping to set up the kids’ bedrooms, organizing her apartment, and stocking her pantry and fridge full of groceries.

Amanda believes a program like FamiliesCare could have made all the difference in her and her children’s journey.  “What I needed at that point in my life was someone, anyone, to help us. Someone to listen to me in a non-judgmental way and help me find resources to get out of a bad situation.” Amanda is thankful that she finally found the support she needed in Jenny. Looking back, Amanda recalls, “Having support gave me hope that I could get my kids back.”

FamiliesCare is launching in three Colorado counties, Arapahoe, Mesa, and Weld. Project 1.27 is looking for churches to partner and train to support the families who enter the program, as well as hiring for several positions within the program.

 If you’re interested in learning more, becoming a prayer partner, or joining the Project 1.27 team, visit project127.org/familiescare or contact Fred at felliotthart@project127.org

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Amanda is now a full-time parent to her five children.

As we acknowledge October as National Domestic Abuse Awareness Month, we need to evaluate the implications of domestic abuse for the children and families we serve. According to the U.S. Department of Women’s Health more than 15 million children in the United States live in homes where domestic violence has happened at least once. Children who've witnessed domestic violence are also at a higher risk for medical and mental health issues and a much greater risk of being abused or abusing others in the future. Although some children may never fully recover from the trauma of witnessing violence firsthand, there are things we can do to help set them up for a greater chance of success in the future. ​

Establish Felt Safety
The first thing children need is a personal sense of safety. Felt safety is a critical need for all children, but especially crucial for a child that has experienced abuse. The key factor with felt safety is the child’s perception of their safety. Regardless of whether or not the child is safe, the child needs to believe he is safe. Talking to the child about her fears, about proper boundaries, and about healthy relationships are all conversations that can help the child feel safe in your home. Through careful observation of those fears, you will probably be able to pick up on practical steps that could make a child feel safer in your home. Things like door and window alarms and a clear shower are ideas that have helped foster children in the past.

Create a Support Network
Establishing a support network of relationships will often help a child feel safe, including a professional counselor and trusted school staff. The more layers of safe support a child has the better for the brain's healing. In a church setting where you might be away from the child in children’s ministry or youth ministry, it can be helpful to find a target person willing to be the child’s consistent, safe person. Consistency is key here. 

Model Healthy Relationships
Your children need to see a model of healthy relationships help them on the healing journey. Talking about healthy relationships and modeling them in your home will help children reframe prior relationships they experienced before coming into care. The time children are in your home might be the only time they are living in a Christian home, seeing Christ-centered relationships, and experiencing gospel-based parenting. These experiences could reframe how children view their future relationships. 

“Despite their scars of past deprivation and lingering fearfulness, at-risk children can learn to take comfort and safety from their families. Be patient, and do everything in your power to let your children understand that they are safe and welcome in their new homes.” (The Connected Child by Karyn B. Purvis, David R. Cross, and Wendy Lyons Sunshine, p.72)